Hey Arnold! Season 6: Hypno-Helga-Ago-Go
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Phoebe and Gerald become tired of Helga's abuse, and devise a plan to hypnotize her into only being her nicer self. The hypnotism causes Helga to revert back to her three year old mind before she became the class bully.
1. Sick Day For Shortman

_**I will be honest… I don't even remember how I thought up this story. All I remember was a funny scene towards the ending and the rest kind of had to conform to that but this story is kind of a mystery to me as to what part of my mind it came from. This is what happens when you scribble down ideas while drinking heavily I guess. Hmm… perhaps I should have Miriam become a writer… she's already drunk and self-loathing so she's halfway there… have fun reading!**_

_**Helga is a little extra insensitive and demanding in this story, with the excuse that her life is rapidly going down the toilet at home. Poor Gerald and Phoebe are the ones to suffer for it now, but maybe they can think of a way to get some payback while also "helping" Helga at the same time.**_

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Chapter 1: Sick Day For Shortman

Hand in hand with his best girl, Gerald Johanssen tiptoed up the front steps of PS118, ready to endure another day of school. As had been his habit, he had passed by his best friend's house on the way to school to walk with him, but to his surprise the boy had never appeared. Not wanting to be late, Gerald set off without him and had then come across Phoebe as usual. Similarly to him, Phoebe was walking alone without her usual companion. Normally this might have concerned Gerald, but getting to spend just a little time with Phoebe alone took his mind off of the whereabouts of Arnold and Helga. Knowing the two of them they could have just met up together earlier.

To his surprise, once Phoebe and he made it inside the school and encountered Helga, Arnold was nowhere to be seen. It was an unusual sight these days for Arnold not to be trailing behind Helga and fighting for her attention as she casually rebuked him. Something was definitely amiss.

"Morning, Helga." Phoebe called out to her friend.

"Kon'nichiwa, compadre mio." Helga said in return, then bowed to Gerald with a sarcastic look on her face, "And to thy loyal consort, a hearty howdy."

Gerald blinked, "How many cultures did you just condense into that one greeting?"

"I dunno, wasn't counting." Helga said nonchalantly as she opened her locker, "It's a diverse town."

"Uh huh." Gerald said, "You seen Arnold?"

"Nope." Helga shook her head, "We broke up."

"Again?" Phoebe asked.

"Dang, girl, that's like the third time this month." Gerald said.

"Yep. I think we're finally getting the rhythm of this relationship down." Helga said dismissively as she began flossing her teeth while looking into the mirror inside her locker, "Besides, I think he's out sick today, or something."

"Oh dear." Phoebe said.

"How do you know that?" Gerald asked, "If you two are broken up…?"

"Doesn't mean I can't keep tabs on the boy," Helga said with a wicked grin.

Gerald knew better than to ask how Helga had gotten this intel on Arnold, but knew it was probably obtained in the creepiest way imaginable.

"That's… thoughtful of you." Gerald said.

"C'mon Feebs. I've got a few tasks for you to take care of." Helga gestured as she slammed her locker shut, and then looked at Gerald, "And they'll go faster if your beau here helps."

"What?" Gerald asked with a frown, "What are you asking of us here?"

"Do I sound like I'm asking?" Helga asked, "Come on. You both owe me a solid."

"For what?" Gerald asked.

"Saving your sorry behinds in San Lorenzo for a start." Helga said.

Helga stomped off around the corner expecting the two of them to follow. Gerald placed his hands on his hips and shook his head.

"Mm, mm, mm, if I didn't know any better I'd say that Helga G. Pataki still doesn't have any respect for you." Gerald said, "Or me for that matter, but that's nothing new."

"It's a complicated relationship, we share," Phoebe reassured him, "Maybe it's not as easy as what you and Arnold share but…"

"Hey, what are you saying?" Gerald asked playfully, "That we boys are just basic?"

"Oh not at all," Phoebe said, "There's just a natural symbiotic quality to your friendship, and I think that's quite admirable. Helga and I work because I'm just infinitely patient and understanding and she's… well okay, that sounds bad, but as you may or may not know, Helga does have her better qualities. She's just a little shall we say…_ frugal_ with them sometimes."

"Frugal." Gerald repeated, "Try stingy."

A short time later, Phoebe and Gerald had begrudgingly sharpened Helga's pencils and had them organized by length just as Helga liked them. Phoebe had tried unsuccessfully to get Gerald to enjoy himself by making a game out of it, but to little success.

"Hope that was worth it." Gerald groaned.

"I find that helping a friend in need is its own reward." Phoebe said.

"Oh come on." Gerald said, "Even Arnold isn't this big of a sucker…"

Phoebe sighed, "What more do you want for this?"

"Minimum wage?" Gerald suggested.

Helga then burst onto the scene, still scowling and grumbling.

"About time, sheesh!" she griped, "How is it the two of you working together are even slower? He's really slowing down your productivity, Feebs. I think you two lovebirds need to be supervised."

"Come on Helga," Phoebe urged, "I thought you were going to make an effort to be less… abrasive and shall we say… demanding. You know, after the San Lorenzo incident-"  
"I agreed to no such thing!" Helga shouted, but then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of gum. "But here, for your efforts, you can have the last of my gum."

Gerald actually smiled.

"Well that's something. Thanks Helga…" Gerald's enthusiasm immediately died when he looked inside, "Helga? There's none left…"

"Oh yeah." Helga said, "Ah well, nothing lost nothing gained."

"You really are just the same old Helga…" Gerald sighed. "And here I thought Arnold was finally starting to bring out your sensitive side."

"Hey! I'll have you know that nowadays I'm the nicest and most sensitive that I've been since I was three years old!" Helga shouted with her fist raised in Gerald's face.

"That's reassuring." Gerald said flatly.

"Anyway, good job on the pencils. Now you can put em to use." Helga said, "See, I had a few things to take care of for Big Bob last night and didn't get around to doing my math homework. I figure the two of you should be able to get it done before class starts. Here ya go." She dropped her math book and notebook into Phoebe's hands. "On second thought, I guess I'm glad you two hooked up. It's like having two personal assistants."

"You… don't want to pitch in at all?" Gerald asked incredulously.

"Oh you know I would but I've got some important stuff to do." Helga insisted.

"What stuff?" Phoebe asked.

"Did I stutter?" Helga asked, "Important stuff. Now c'mon, chop chop."

Before Gerald or Phoebe could protest further, Helga turned and walked off to get to her apparent important stuff.  
"I guess we'd better get started." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe, are you serious?" Gerald huffed, "You're really gonna just kowtow to her like that? Sharpening her pencils is one thing but this?"

"I find life is often just easier that way." Phoebe said sadly.

"Oh no," Gerald said, "I'd say don't give Helga an inch, but I think you've already given her a whole mile. You've gotta assert yourself just a little."

"One does not simply assert themselves to Helga…" Phoebe said ominously.

"Phoebe…" Gerald said.

"Oh, I know… she was getting better for a while." Phoebe sighed, "But with everything she's going through at home, her father's business tanking, her mom's issues, and her rather confusing relationship with Arnold… I just want to make her burden a little lighter in some way…"

"Listen to you. Sounding like a victim." Gerald sighed, "Remember, you're not some mousy little sidekick to Helga; you're Phoebe Heyerdahl. You're a smart, strong, and sensual woman and…" Gerald stopped in embarrassment when he realized he'd gotten just a bit to personal. He scratched the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly as Phoebe similarly turned slightly pink.

"You're sweet." Phoebe said, "And you're especially sweet to put up with all this, just for me. Helga's my best friend, and I just have a more unique understanding for her behavior than most."

"I know, I know," Gerald relented, "I still don't think it's right how she treats you. Or Arnold, for that matter. Or me now… seriously she's really been regressing lately."

"I've gotten used to it, and I think Arnold has too." Phoebe said. "She's… worth it… really…"

"I hope so, since you're stuck with her as your best friend, and I'm stuck with her by extension, I just wish there was some way we could get that nice side out of her more often." Gerald said.

"We can't just change who people are Gerald," Phoebe wagged a finger, "We just have to accept them for who they are and hope that if we're kind to them it will begat kindness in return-"

Yo, Feebs!" Helga shouted from around the corner, "C'mon! That homework isn't gonna do itself! Hop to it!"

"Hopping!" Phoebe flitted off in Helga's direction, leaving Gerald standing alone and shaking his head in disapproval.

"How can I accept that girl if I can barely tolerate her to start?" he groaned.

Pooling their resources, Phoebe and Gerald again begrudgingly completed the task Helga had presented them with just before their first class of the day began. They had of course done the exact same assignment themselves the night before, so it wasn't exactly an intellectual challenge so much as it was an irritating use of their time. Now they sat in their morning social sciences class, and awaited their teacher.  
"We're not doing that again." Gerald said, "It's not helping her if she has other people doing her homework for her."

"I know." Phoebe said, "I wouldn't want her to turn out like those sixth grade girls who had me doing their homework when we were in the fourth grade…"

At last, Mr. Simmons appeared in the doorway and greeted the class with a bright smile and a friendly wave.

"Good morning everyone!" he said cheerily, "I hope you're all refreshed and ready for another truly inspirational day of discovery."

Phoebe and Gerald smiled at him, while many others in the room appeared indifferent or unenthused.

"Don't oversell it." They heard Helga mutter from a few desks away.

"Students, today we'll be covering a very exciting new unit in our continued journey into the very special and wonderful world of human psychology." Simmons announced as he pulled down the overhead screen.

"Are we going to find out what's wrong with Curly's brain?" Harold asked.

"I hope so!" Curly said with a wide grin. "I'll volunteer to be dissected if it means I can hold my own brain in my hands."

"Um, ew." Rhonda snarled in disgust.

"Ah, I'm afraid not." Simmons said, and then announced excitedly, "But we will be covering the thrilling history of the study of hypnosis! Isn't that…"

Despite his effort to rouse the class into excitement, Simmons got little more than blank stares from the kids. Undeterred he pressed on with the lesson plan.

"Oh come on." Simmons said, "None of you have any misconceptions over hypnotism that you've seen in movies?"

"Just teach." Helga said, "We're only required to learn, not to enjoy."

"I for one think it's a fascinating subject." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe? You thought his lecture on the history of punctuation marks was a fascinating subject." Helga smirked.  
"Well it was…" Phoebe mumbled back.

Taking no notice of Helga and Phoebe's discrete squabbling, Mr. Simmons turned on the projector and images began appearing on the screen. Phoebe and Gerald listened intently as Helga began to zone out. Jotting down notes at a mile a minute, Phoebe found the entire subject of hypnotism and the history of its use in therapy illuminating. Gerald glanced over at Phoebe, noticing a look on her face that suggested the wheels were turning in her head.

"Used both as a form of entertainment for audiences and used as a serious form of therapy, the practice and theory of hypnosis can be traced back thousands of years. Some historians even believe it may go back to prehistory, when one caveman first induced his enemies to think they were chickens."

The history of hypnosis was interesting enough, but Phoebe felt a certain eagerness to get into how the process actually worked. Eventually Simmons came to just that topic.

"Beginning with a hypnotic induction, the subject is given a series of preliminary suggestions and instructions." Mr. Simmons said, "And put into a trance like state. Once induced into a trance, the subject becomes easily influenced and susceptible to suggestion. And step by step the inducer can make increasingly demanding suggestions. "

"Can you demonstrate on Harold?" Sid suddenly blurted.

"Ah, no…" Simmons said, "We're studying the theory of hypnosis, and won't be putting it into actual practice… it's not really a teacher's place to hypnotize students-"

"Aw, come on!" Harold shouted, "It sounds like fun! You could… you could hypnotize me into being hungry!"

"You're not hungry, Blimpo?" Helga asked.

"No!" Harold wailed in misery, "It's a weird feeling and I don't like it! I wanna be hungry!"

"Students please." Simmons attempted to restore order, "I'm glad you're all so curious about the subject, but-"

"Could someone be hypnotized into losing their accent?" Stinky asked, "Just asking for a friend."

"Or… or… you could hypnotize me into having a smaller nose?" Sid asked.

"You should ask for a bigger cerebrum…" Helga snipped.

"Or maybe just hypnotize Helga into being not such a big meanie!" Harold shouted.

Helga shot him a scowl.

"Might work on me, but Old Betsy here has a mind of her own…" she growled as she raised her fist.

"Helga, I don't want to have to report you again." Simmons warned her. "And the rest of you, please. Let's save all questions for the end of the lesson. Now then, the purpose of hypnosis in therapy is typically to treat such conditions as anxiety, phobias, as well as undesirable behavior and habits…"

As Simmons continued on with his lecture, Phoebe's eyes went straight to Helga as a strange idea began to form in the back of her mind.

When the morning classes came to an end, Helga, Gerald and Phoebe made their way through the crowded hallways to the cafeteria, with Helga's infectious grumpiness starting to really wear on her friends.

"Man, can you believe what Simmons is wasting our time on?" Helga asked, "I mean, as if algebra wasn't useless enough now all this hypnosis business has me nostalgic for the days of learning about debunked diseases… just as useless but at least interesting. Now c'mon, Miriam forgot my lunch and I'm short on cash so I'll need you two to get me something to eat."

Helga lead the way, expecting the other two to loyally follow behind her. Instead Phoebe and Gerald just came to a stop, looked at one another and groaned. Helga's had surpassed her usual levels of jerky behavior and had finally grated on them to the point that they couldn't bare it any more.

"I say we let her starve." Gerald said, "At least until she learns to say 'please' or something…"

"Oh she's fully capable of that." Phoebe said, "As I've said, we just have to find a way to bring that nicer side out of-"

Phoebe paused, then looked down at her social sciences text book. She looked up at Gerald as mischievous grins crossed both their faces simultaneously. Both of them had been struck with the same thought.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Gerald whispered to Phoebe.

"That we should prove Helga wrong about how useless class is? By applying our school studies in some real world venue? Possibly by helping someone and thus also help ourselves in such a manor?" Phoebe asked.

"As in actually try to hypnotize Helga into being nicer?" Gerald asked.

"Oh, I don't know." Phoebe said with some hesitation in her voice, "How could we really do such a thing to her?"

"Feebs! Tall hair boy! Move it!" Helga's voiced bellowed from down the hallway.

"How could we not?" Gerald asked. "I mean, we_ owe_ it to her, after all. We'd just be helping her to be a happier, healthier person."

"Still, that does sound an awful lot like meddling with the laws of nature…" Phoebe said tentatively, but then she smiled and wrung her hands together eagerly. "Yes, I think this particular subject may be just the remedy we need for our irascibly rascally friend…"

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**_This couldn't possibly backfire in some horrible unforeseen way, now could it?_**


	2. Inner Child

_**Oh yes. This story is still still alive. I was on kind of a tear when I posted the first chapter, and I guess I recklessly posted it while knowing how the story ends… but not quite what happens in between. After struggling with it for a bit I guess you could say I was feeling a little… creatively bankrupt, so I decided to just step away and work on other things. Of course this story now has more followers than most of my other stuff, so perhaps there's something to be said for just posting the start of a story and then letting it just dangle…**_

_**I have to thank Anonymous Latino, who offered a few helpful brainstorming ideas on this one to get it back on track, and now hopefully I can update it more regularly.**_

_**I live in Wisconsin… and it doesn't get hot very often here, but in the few months that it does, my creative juices tend to dry up with the heat because I can't have full thoughts without the words "F*** IT'S HOT!" interrupting… I don't do well in heat.**_

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Chapter 2: Inner Child

Armed with a sixth grade textbook knowledge of hypnotism in a theoretical sense, Phoebe began plotting to put her plan into action. All the while she did feel her usual moral scruples tugging at her conscience and whispering to her that hypnotizing Helga was not advisable. The problem was that Helga's constant bellowing was far louder than her mousy moral compass. Against Gerald's advice, Phoebe had purchased Helga a few lunch items, tactfully just incorrectly enough in a way designed to earn Helga's ire. As she headed back over to the table where Helga and Gerald waited she could feel her heart beating steadily faster.

"About time." Helga said, "Feels like I've been sitting here waiting for months."

"It was only a few minutes…" Phoebe said.

"Sure felt like two months to me- oh c'mon, Feebs, you heard me!" Helga groaned in disappointment.  
"I got you a chocolate milk," Phoebe said. "Just like you asked."

"Yeah, with a bendy straw, remember?" Helga asked. "Come on, you know how I take my drinks."

"Well it's just that those are adding to the ocean pollution so I thought you might be willing to forgo-"

"Aw, c'mon, don't give me that." Helga dismissed her, "This planet has… what? Maybe another decade left? Let's not pretend that's not too little too late, alright? Seriously, when did you turn into Sheena?"

"And I thought I was cynical." Gerald muttered.

Phoebe clenched her fists for a moment but then breathed deeply and closed her eyes, readying to finally do the deed.

"I'm sorry Helga… I suppose you just can't depend on me to do anything right. Here. Why don't I just lend you a little money and you can pick out what you want yourself." Phoebe suggested.

"Me?" Helga asked almost in disbelief, "You want me to stand in line myself? Phoebe… how could you?"

"Look, I have a particularly shiny new quarter here." Phoebe said as she held the coin up to Helga's eye level.

"Hmm, yeah I guess it is pretty shiny…" Helga said, "Shame it'll have to be spent before long."

"Watch the quarter Helga…" Phoebe said as she moved it rhythmically back and forth before Helga's eyes.

"Um, yeah I'm watching it. What are you… what are you doing, Feebs?"

"There's nothing but the quarter… nothing at all…" Phoebe said.

"Nothing but the quarter… that's true… I can't just eat the quarter… it needs to be exchanged for tasty comestibles…" Helga said, as her speech started to slow down.

"Time is slowing down… slower and ever slower…" Phoebe said mesmerizingly.

"Time definitely isn't moving any faster…" Helga said, still fighting back with every ounce of sarcasm in her despite being effected.

Gerald just stared in awe. He knew Phoebe to be smart with many hidden talents and abilities, but this particular apparent skill of hers kind of scared him deep down. Still, if it indeed lead to a more bearable, or possibly even likable Helga Pataki, he'd take the risk.

"You're now in my power…" Phoebe said, "You'll do as I ask…"

"Sure…" Helga said weakly, "Why the heck not…"

"Bark like a dog!" Gerald cut in suddenly.

"Arf…" Helga said unconvincingly, "Arf…"

"Gerald!" Phoebe scolded him, "We're doing this to help her, not for our own amusement."

"Just testing." Gerald said, "Making sure she's susceptible or whatever."

Phoebe frowned but turned her attention back to Helga, who was starting straight ahead with her eyes glazed over. Phoebe continued her amateur hypnotherapy, hoping she knew what she was doing.

"Now we're going to journey inward… feel the darkness in your heart… feel that nastiness boiling inside of you." Phoebe said.

"I feel gassy…" Helga murmured.

"Let that nastiness flow out of you…" Phoebe instructed.

Without warning a low tooting sound echoed from Helga, causing Gerald to plug his nose.

"Wish granted…" he said.

Phoebe groaned for just a second but resumed her work.

"The nastiness is leaving you… and now all that remains is your kindness… it's in there in small doses, but now it's growing. Growing. Growing."

Helga, with her eyes glazed over just stared back at Phoebe, who could see her normally hardened scowl softening, and turning into a peaceful contented look.

"Kindness… growing…" Helga murmured.

"You're a nice, sensitive soul… you were never a bully…" Phoebe instructed.

"I was… never… a bully…" Helga repeated.

"You're connecting with your inner child…" Phoebe said, "You're a nice girl. You're the Helga you were always meant to be…"

"Inner… child…" Helga droned. "Helga I was always meant to be…"

"When I snap my fingers, you'll be the Helga you've always been deep inside…"

"O… kay…" Helga agreed.

Phoebe then snapped her fingers and Helga's eyes went wide. Gerald and Phoebe stared at her, not sure what to expect. They didn't even know if Helga had really been effected or if she was just pulling their legs. As they looked at her however, the look they got back was one of utter perplexing. Helga was staring at them like a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming semi; a look of pure vulnerability and complete innocence. Phoebe felt a twinge of concern for a moment but Gerald decided to put their little experiment to the test.

"Well Helga." Gerald said, "Phoebe was kind enough to buy you lunch." he raised an eyebrow, "What do you say?"

At first Helga said nothing, she simply looked down at the slice of pizza and carton of milk and then looked back up at them. Both Gerald and Phoebe immediately took not of the innocent look in her eyes, and also a discernible air of sadness.

"Thank you." she at last said meekly.

Gerald and Phoebe exchanged glances. Either Helga was pulling their legs, or they had actually improbably succeeded. Helga tentatively took a few bites of the pizza slice and quietly sipped her milk, glancing around the room nervously. Gerald and Phoebe meanwhile ate their own lunches, watching Helga carefully and waiting for her to yell 'gotcha' at any moment, but she just continued to sit in silence. Finally, Phoebe and Gerald turned away so Helga couldn't see their faces, and a strange look came over Phoebe.

"I… I did it…" Phoebe said as a devious grin crossed her face, "I don't believe it… I can feel… power… coursing through my veins!"

Phoebe cackled insanely as Gerald went wide-eyed with shock. Phoebe similarly went wide-eyed and covered her mouth in surprise and slight embarrassment.

"I don't think I like it…" she said softly as she looked at the quarter she had hypnotized Helga with, "This is too much power for a kid to wield..."

"Oh I disagree." Gerald said, "As a matter of fact, I think it's time Helga paid us back a little… let's see just how nice she really is now."

Gerald turned back to Helga, who was now glancing around the cafeteria with an almost terrified look on her face, seemingly in frightened awe of the vastness of the space she occupied. Unconcerned, Gerald grabbed his social science textbook and notebook and held them up.

"Here, Helga." Gerald handed her his books, "We're supposed to read chapters five through six, but I'm a little busy today. If you could just do that and take some notes for me that'd be great."

Helga just blinked in response as she looked at the books.

"You want me to do it?" she asked.

"Helga, we're your friends." Gerald said, "And you're a nice enough person to always want to help a friend, right?"

"Friends?" Helga asked, sounding unsure of the word as if she had never used it before. She offered a small smile and said, "Well, okay… I can try…" Helga nodded and took the book in her hands.

Gerald smirked at Phoebe, "Man, you didn't make her nice. You made her a total pushover… and I am loving it."

"Gerald…" Phoebe grumbled, "We're not going to take advantage of her in this state. I'm a little worried actually… look at her. She looks almost lost."

"Heads up!" a loud obnoxious voice bellowed from across the cafeteria. All three kids looked upward and too late they saw a glob of jello careening out of the air and straight at Helga. She let out a small startled squeak but the jello splatted onto her face, leaving her dripping with green ooze. Gerald and Phoebe gasped, expecting if Helga was faking this sudden shift in character, this would be what would snap her out of it. Suddenly a shadow hovered over them and they saw Harold looking down on them with a broad grin. Harold had long been the biggest kid in their class, and even if he had mostly grown out of his old bullying habits that didn't stop him from being obnoxious now and then.

"Oh dear…" Phoebe said, bracing herself for what normally happened whenever Harold invited Helga's anger.

"It's a good look on you, Helga!" Harold laughed, "You know, cuz it covers up your face, ha ha!"

Harold mocking Helga's appearance was nothing new, and despite typically receiving a beating from her every time the boy just never seemed to learn. And yet now, Helga just shrunk into her chair, looking up at Harold with big weepy eyes. Phoebe and Gerald's surprise at this was only surpassed by Harold himself, who seemed almost more put off by Helga's tears than he would normally be by her rage. Without another word, Harold just backed away and returned to his own table in complete confusion.

Phoebe rushed over to Helga's side and started wiping Helga's face off with a napkin as Gerald just scratched his head.

"I guess this really worked." he remarked, "She's a gentle soul now… and a complete wimp."

"Are you okay, Helga?" Phoebe asked.

Helga nodded quietly, wiping her nose as she sniffled.

"Why is he so mean?" Helga asked.

"Oh you know Harold," Gerald said reassuringly, "He's always messing around. Don't take it personally."

Helga nodded, then she picked up Gerald's textbook again and squinted at the cover. As she did, Phoebe looked at her searchingly.

"Gerald?" Phoebe asked, "A word?"

The two of them turned away again, leaving Helga still staring at Gerald's textbook and not paying them any mind.

"I don't like this…" Phoebe said, "I think I may have made a mistake. I fear a more docile Helga could have even worse unintended consequences than what we're already seeing…"

"Aw, come on just give it a chance, I'll take this over the Helga who's constantly barking orders at us." Gerald said with a smile, "She's got us to look out for her, she'll be fine. Besides, I don't want your efforts to go to waste."

Phoebe felt deeply conflicted. On one hand, it did feel good to feel in charge over Helga for a change, but Helga seemed like an entirely different person now. That thought brought a slightly mischievous grin to her face; maybe she preferred if Helga was a completely different person.

"Well… let's just make sure she adapts well to this lifestyle change." Phoebe said, "It may be somewhat jarring… but I suppose we did do this to help her."

"See? It's all good." Gerald said.

Suddenly he felt a tug at his sleeve. He looked and saw Helga pulling gently at it to get his attention.

"Can you help me with one thing?" she asked.

Phoebe and Gerald exchanged glances with one another before returning their attention to Helga. Despite having her to a slice of his homework, Gerald couldn't help but feel somehow paternal towards this seemingly innocent and timid version of Helga, so he smiled at her reassuringly.

"Okay?" Gerald asked, "With whatt?"

"What's this first word on the cover?" Helga asked.

Gerald and Phoebe's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Social…" Gerald said slowly.

"Okay…" Helga said as she kept looking at the cover, but then she asked, "And one more thing… how do you read?"

Before either Gerald or Phoebe had a chance to even gasp, the end of lunch bell rang signaling the start of recess, and they also predicted the start of a whole lot of trouble.

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_**I did it! I posted another chapter! More to come soon... sooner than two months hopefully... it's so hot outside... my brain not work...**_


	3. Striking Out

_**I am not by any means a sports fan, but I still loved any HA! episodes dealing with sports because they were typically just a backdrop for the story. That being said I'm not great at writing sports games... hope that doesn't show too much in this chapter...**_

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Chapter 3 Striking Out

Amidst the crowds of their fellow students rushing past them in an excited mob to get to recess, Gerald and Phoebe stood aghast at Helga's question. Her increasingly grating behavior had pushed them just a little too far this time, and while hypnotizing a friend may not have been the nicest thing to do, they figured it still paled in comparison to Helga's levels of jerky behavior. Their only intention had been to bring out her secret nicer side, but they had noticed she was acting more than nice; Helga looked like a scared, sad, helpless little girl. And now that she apparently had forgotten how to read on top of this, suddenly their unwarranted meddling with her psyche felt deeply wrong as they beheld the consequences.

"I'm sorry…" Gerald said at last, "What did you say?"

Helga looked down in embarrassment, then said softly, "You… asked me to help you cuz we're friends. I wanna help but… I don't know how. I'm sorry…"

Phoebe had been searching her memory banks for any time in the history of their friendship she had seen anything like this behavior from Helga. Apart from a time Helga ended up with amnesia as the result of being struck on the head with a baseball, she realized this was a far more dramatic change than any other of Helga's strange episodes. She wasn't behaving as she did in those rare instances where she would reveal her tender and more caring side, now she was just exhibiting childlike innocence; almost too childlike, Phoebe thought.

"Did we give her amnesia somehow?" Gerald asked, "How'd she forget how to read? You didn't tell her to do that…"

"I don't know…" Phoebe murmured, "Helga?"

Before she could question her however, another girl accidentally bumped into Helga and groaned in disgust.

"Ugh, Helga…" the voice of the class queen bee Rhonda suddenly cut in, "As if you didn't already look like your usual unkempt mess of a self, you've still got jello dripping from your hair… ew! I think you got some on me! I just can't… it's disgusting."

Gerald and Phoebe looked at Rhonda who was just glaring in disgust at Helga, who just turned away in embarrassment. Her reaction seemed to surprise Rhonda.

"Helga?" she pressed, "Did you hear me? I said you look gross… seriously, I feel sick just looking at you."

"I'm sorry…" Helga said softly.

"Huh?" Rhonda responded in genuine surprise, "You're… sorry? Excuse me? I'm the one insulting you."

Helga once again just responded with watery eyes and a quivering lip as Rhonda recoiled, not entirely sure what Helga was playing at.

"You're not… gonna make some empty threat to deck me?" Rhonda asked.

Helga just shook her head sheepishly as she cowered slightly.

"Helga, you're weird and pathetic on a normal day but what's this about?" Rhonda asked.

Helga rubbed her hands together as she crouched down, then said meekly, "I don't wanna fight… you're too big…"

"Excuse me!?" Rhonda shouted, taking Helga's words as some kind of jab at her weight. Rhonda was of course as thin as a pole, but still vain enough to react in anger at any hint of her appearance being seen as less than perfect.

Gerald had to suppress a small laugh as Rhonda's face went red with fury, outraged by the perceived insult. Her anger just appeared to startle Helga even more, who just cowered in fear, apparently believing herself to be smaller than usual on top of forgetting how to read. Rhonda noticed this and pointed in Gerald's face.

"What are you laughing about?" she hissed.

"Oh nothing, nothing…" Gerald said.

"Rhonda," Phoebe attempted to mediate the situation, "Helga's just dealing with some-"  
"You stay out of this you little nerd." Rhonda said demeaningly, "I wasn't asking you."

Both Phoebe and Gerald felt shocked by Rhonda's overt rudeness. Not that she was known for being terribly kindhearted, but she typically didn't put Phoebe down as she just had.

"Hey!" Gerald, "Don't talk to her like that!"

"I didn't ask you either. When I want to hear anything from you plebeians I'll ask-" Rhonda suddenly caught herself; stopping in mid sentence as if surprised by her own behavior. She often lorded over the rest of her peers, but she rarely outright started fights with the likes of Gerald and Phoebe, and if anything she was acting more like Helga typically did.

Gerald looked about ready to tear Rhonda a new one, but he felt a small tugging on the back of his hoodie suddenly, which caught his attention. He turned his head and saw Helga crouched down and holding onto him as she quivered in fear.

"Um, Helga?" Gerald asked.

"Mister… don't let the scary lady hurt me…" Helga whimpered.

The anger returned to Rhonda's face, but before she could say or do anything more, another kid's voice caught their attention.

"Hey, Helga!" the voice of Sid rang out from down the hall, "Come on! We're all playing the fifth graders and we need our catcher!"

"Yeah!" Stinky added, "You're the most durable… we're all too delicate for that job…"

"Huh?" Helga asked, smiling just a little. "I am?"

Phoebe raised a finger to advise against this, "Um, actually Sid, I don't think Helga is in a place to-"

Before Phoebe knew what was happening, she saw Helga dashing off towards Sid and Stinky, apparently just happy to feel included, or perhaps just eager to get away from Rhonda.

"Kay." Helga said to Sid and Stinky, with a sweet innocent smile on her face.

The two boys exchanged confused looks, unaccustomed to Helga eagerly listening to them much less smiling cheerfully.

"You're unusually not ornery." Stinky remarked.

"I just wanna make friends…" Helga said shyly, "Thanks for asking me to play."

Sid and Stinky, while not the brightest bulbs in the class could tell something was deeply and horribly out of place.

"Uh, sure…" Sid said. "I mean, you're usually team captain and all."

"Okay. How do I play?" Helga asked.

"How what?" Sid and Stinky both gasped.

"Baseball? I've never played before…" Helga said.

Phoebe's jaw dropped. Had she really removed a significant chunk of memory and time from Helga's mind in her attempt to pacify her a little? Sid and Stinky meanwhile just stared at Helga, but then they burst out laughing so hard their eyes watered. Confused by their laughter, Helga assumed they had to be laughing at her expense and teared up slightly yet again.

"That's real funny, Helga…" Sid said amid his laughing, "But we don't have time for jokes. Come on, let's go."

"What joke?" Helga asked, but she got no answer.  
Embarrassed and confused, but not wanting to be excluded, Helga reluctantly followed after the two boys out to the playground as Gerald and Phoebe rushed off after them.

"Man, it's like walking on eggshells with her now." Gerald said, "If she keeps crying that easily just wait until they throw a fastball in her direction…"

"Yes, this could be very bad…" Phoebe agreed.

Rhonda meanwhile watched them all run off to the playground in silence. As her anger subsided, a growing look of interest crossed her face.

"What is going on here…" she mused.

Minutes later out on the blacktop, Helga stood with her fellow sixth graders looking wholly out of place; looking at her classmates as if she didn't recognize them as her fellow classmates and just saw them as a bunch of big kids who for some strange reason wanted her to play with them. Gerald and Phoebe stood close by her, still carefully studying her and trying to figure out exactly what they had done. This behavior of Helga's went far beyond whatever niceness they had tried to bring out of her. As the fifth graders lined up at bat, the sixth graders took to the outfield, waiting for some signal for the game to start.

"Gerald, I'm starting to think even if Helga is nicer in this state, it may not be worth it if she's this meek and forgetful on top of it…" Phoebe said, "She could hurt herself out here…"  
"Ah, c'mon." Gerald said, "Sure, she's useless when it comes to anything academic at the moment-"  
"And that doesn't concern you at all, either?" Phoebe asked.

"Ah, she's probably just confused from being so docile all of a sudden. She couldn't have actually forgotten how to read just like that." Gerald insisted, "You and me, we'll keep an eye on her out here. She's got us, she'll be fine. I'll still take a slightly more needy Helga over Helga the Horrible from this morning."

Phoebe frowned at him, but realize she had no right to be angry since she had been the one to hypnotize Helga into the overly sensitive little girl who now stood before them. Phoebe typically served as a calm voice of reason amongst her classmates, but now she felt appalled by just how few variables in this experiment she had planned for. She enjoyed a good sporting game of schoolyard baseball as much as her more athletic classmates, but it dawned on her that without her more ferocious instincts, Helga may now be in some serious danger. Phoebe then turned her attention back over to Helga who was just rocking back and forth sheepishly.

"Here ya go." Stinky said to her as he tossed her a catcher's mask.

Helga fumbled as she tried to catch it, but caught it all the same and then just looked at it in confusion. She fastened the straps and wore it around her chest like armor as the kids watching all murmured amongst themselves.

"Is this right?" she asked, but judging by the reactions she knew she had messed it up, "Did I do it wrong?"

Sid removed the mask from her and held it up to her face.

"Come on Helga, quit fooling around, we've got a game to win here." he said.  
"Yeah." Stinky agreed, "Wouldn't want to lose to the fifth graders. That'd be just plain embarrassing."

Helga nodded, "I never do stuff right…" she sniffled, "Daddy's right…"

Gerald overheard Helga and felt a twinge of pity for a moment. That unusual protective feeling he felt towards her came back, which just weirded him out even more. Most of the time Gerald could barely stand Helga, even after she had shown her potential to be kind and even selfless on occasion, and while he understood her mean behavior came from a place of insecurity that didn't make it any less grating on a day to day basis. Seeing her act so strangely helpless now awoke some protective instinct within him however that he was having a hard time fighting; maybe with Arnold out sick he just felt the need to look out for her. Before he could try to comfort her or anything a voice broke him out of his contemplation.

"Hey!" the fifth grade team captain shouted, "Are we playing or what?"

Harold, the sixth grade pitcher looked at him and scowled.  
"Yeah, we are. We're just waiting for…" he stopped himself and pondered, "Wait, what are we waiting for?"

"I reckon I ain't too sure." Stinky said, "Someone usually gives us a rousing and slightly threatening motivational speech and then we… uh…"

As Stinky spoke, all eyes drifted over towards Helga, who was still trying in vain to put the catcher mask on. Sensing everyone looking at her she stopped and glanced around, feeling awkward and shy again.

"What?" she asked.  
"Aren't you gonna demoralize us and tell us what to do so we play our best?" Harold asked. "Or something?"

"Why would I do that?" Helga asked, "That'd be mean…"

No one knew what to say to that. She had to be fooling around, but if Helga took one thing seriously it was contact sports so that seemed unlikely. Even if the stakes of a simple game of baseball played between grades at recess seemed fairly low, to Helga this was always war. No one save for Phoebe and Gerald knew what was going on, but they knew something had to be wrong.

"Well, you gotta say something!" Sid urged, "We don't even have Arnold here to give us any positive reinforcement!"  
"Who's Arnold?" Helga asked.

Phoebe and Gerald both felt their jaws fall open. Now they knew they had royally screwed something up.

"Well?" Harold urged Helga, "Say something!"

"Um…" Helga said tentatively, "Play ball?"

The sixth grade team all looked at one another awkwardly, but then just shrugged their shoulders and figured they would have to do without Helga's usual battle speech.

"All right, let's go." Harold said. "Helga?"

"What?" Helga asked.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, "Get to the plate…"

Helga looked over to the line of fifth graders standing behind home plate and scratched her head in confusion.

"But I thought I was on this team?" she asked, "You don't… want me anymore?"

Phoebe made desperate attempt at damage control and whispered in Helga's ear.

"It's Harold's job to throw the ball, and you catch it." Phoebe said, "The opposing team will try to hit it with the bat."

Helga still looked confused but nodded anyway. Without any confidence in her stride, she sauntered back behind home plate and the fifth grade kid at bat. She at least figured out what the catchers mitt was for and held it up anticipating Harold's pitch. Harold met her eyes from across the field and nodded at her, but then he made some strange gesture to insinuate what pitch he'd use, and Helga had no idea what he meant. Without warning, Harold threw a fastball straight across the plate and directly into Helga's raised glove. She caught it, but the impact sent her tumbling over backwards as she screamed in surprise.

"Wow." Harold remarked, "Didn't know I was that strong… Helga?"

Helga didn't respond and just lay on the ground in the fetal position, covering her head and not moving a muscle as if trying to disappear.

"Helga!" Harold bellowed, "Strike? Come on!"

"This is too scary…" Helga whined, "I wanna go home!" she paused from her crying fit and reconsidered, "Okay, I don't wanna go home but I don't wanna play this! I just wanna color! I don't like this game!"

"Come on, Helga!" Harold shouted, "Quit wimping out on us! You're embarrassing the whole team!"

Then to everyone's shock, Helga bursted into tears, stood up and threw off the pitcher mask and glove, then ran off towards a tree over by the metal fence. Harold's anger gave way to confusion. First the jello incident and now this had him and others wondering if this even was Helga or some kind of imposter. Unable to stand it anymore, Gerald gave chase and Phoebe followed behind him, leaving everyone on the field just stunned and confused.

"Guess we need a relief catcher." Harold said, "Hey, Brainy!"

Over by the shady tree, Gerald and Phoebe approached a crouching Helga, trying to hide behind the trunk as she sniffled quietly.

"Helga? You okay?" Gerald asked.

"Everyone is so mean…" she whined, but then she looked at them, "Why are you two so nice to me?"

"We're you're friends?" Gerald said shakily.

Helga again just looked as if she had never even heard that word and smiled a little.

"I didn't think I'd make friends on the first day of school…" Helga said.

"First day of school?" Gerald asked, "We're weeks into sixth grade now… man, what did we do to her?"

An uncomfortable possibility suddenly dawned on Phoebe.

"Helga…?" Phoebe asked cautiously, "Do you mind if I ask you something? How old are you?"

Helga held up three fingers and said, "But I'll be four in March."

Phoebe and Gerald's eyes went wide at Helga's response. They both turned away and whispered amongst themselves out of Helga's earshot.

"She thinks she's only three years old?" Gerald asked. "How the heck did that happen?"

"Oh no… all those things I told her to do… reconnect with her inner child… be the Helga she was meant to be before her bullying days… by delving into her subconscious we must have inadvertently caused her to regress mentally to a time before she adopted her tougher guise." Phoebe said in horror, "And if I'm not mistaken that all started back in…"

"You mean…?" Gerald asked.

"She must think she's back in preschool!" Phoebe squeaked in distress, "What have we done?"

"We? What's all this '_we'_ stuff?" Gerald said, "You did the deed. I just… well okay, yes I encouraged it… but still, I don't think I could've hypnotized Helga even if I wanted to…"

"Are you talking about me?" Helga asked. "What did you say about Helga?"

Phoebe smiled awkwardly and shook her head, "No, no… we were talking about um… he said um, Olga?"

Helga's face sank at the mention of her older sister, and she looked at the ground sadly.

"Oh." she said, "Everyone talks about Olga…" She sighed sadly.

"I think she's had enough…" Phoebe said. "We have to undo this…"

"Yeah…" Gerald reluctantly agreed, "I thought I might enjoy seeing her suffer just for a little while but… nope. I guess that's what separates us from her. I hope you know how to reverse this…"

"I hope so too…" Phoebe said, "I fear we may have gone into this a little rashly, but I think if we try inducing hypnotherapy in reverse this time it should break her out of it." Phoebe said. Reaching into her pocket she withdrew the quarter she had used to hypnotize Helga earlier and started waving it back and forth in front of the girl's face.

"What are you doing?" Helga asked.

"Just watch the quarter Helga… there's nothing but the quarter." Phoebe insisted.

"Stop it… I don't like that." Helga fussed.

"You're eleven years old…" Phoebe said, "You attend PS118…"

"No I don't…" Helga said, "I'm too young to be eleven…"

"When I snap my fingers you'll be back to your same caustically complex self…" Phoebe instructed.

"Huh?" Helga asked.

Phoebe snapped her fingers in Helga's face, startling her. Helga closed her eyes and looked away.

"Helga?" Phoebe asked.

"What?" Helga asked, in the same youthful guileless voice, "Why did you do that? That wasn't nice…"

"Oh dear…" Phoebe said, "It didn't work…"

"Oh boy…" Gerald said with genuine fright, "So now we're stuck babysitting mini Pataki? How's she gonna get through class today!?"

Helga meanwhile yawned and stretched her arms, still not understanding what they were talking about.

"Is it nap time yet? I'm getting tired…" she said as she rubbed her eye.

* * *

_**Uh oh. Now what do you suppose they're gonna do? **_


	4. Back to the Past

_**Gotta get back. Back to the past. No, not Samurai Jack's past. Helga's.**_

* * *

Chapter 4 Back to the Past

As Helga started to nod off, Gerald and Phoebe frantically tried to think of how they could undo what they had done to their once hellish and now helpless friend. In her three year old mind, Helga felt ready for an afternoon nap and her friends evidently didn't know how to break her out of this trance they had induced her into.

"Ideas?" Gerald asked.

"Coming up short at the moment…" Phoebe said, but as she looked at Helga who looked about ready to fall asleep standing up she got an idea. "She's sleepy now… I suppose we could try again quick…"

Lifting up the quarter once again, she raised it up to Helga's eye level again and tiptoed over to the drowsy girl. Before she could even try reversing the trance again Helga abruptly exploded in her face.

"No!" Helga screeched like a petulant toddler, causing Phoebe to jump back in shock.

"Helga… we're just trying to help." Phoebe insisted.

"That's what that doctor said before he stuck that needle in my arm." Helga snipped, then she crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at the pair of them.

"Oh great…" Gerald groaned, "She's a total pushover otherwise, but has just enough fight left in her to tell us off…"

"Looks like we're stuck for the moment. And history class is about to start." Phoebe said, "What are we going to do with her?"

"For now we're just gonna have to fudge it, I think." Gerald said, "Keep an eye on her in class and hope she doesn't do anything too noticeably weird…"

"Yes… I'll just have to be a complete know-it-all and keep all attention off her while she… colors or something…" Phoebe said, "And then we have study hall. Hopefully we can formulate something by then."

"Hopefully before chemistry." Gerald said, "I don't wanna have to keep her from putting things in her mouth…

Phoebe looked over at Helga, who was now nervously twiddling her thumbs and glancing around with that infuriatingly doe eyed look on her face she had been wearing since lunch. Phoebe knew they had to go about this delicately and earn Helga's absolute trust if they were to break her out of this curse.

"Helga?" Phoebe said with overt sweetness in her tone, as if talking to a toddler, "Can you come with us, sweetie?"

Helga looked at Phoebe, who recognized her not as her lifelong friend and companion, but as some kind of student advisor, though now she didn't entirely trust her. The bond between Phoebe and Helga while in her right mind was deeply rooted, but Phoebe to her dismay felt that unique friendship of theirs lacking here and now. Thinking of how Helga had earlier gravitated towards Gerald however, she got an idea.

"Gerald… I don't know why, but she seems to trust you more." Phoebe said, "Could you…?"

"Me?" Gerald asked in shock, "Why me?"

"I suspect she sees you as her personal protector from the other 'big' kids." Phoebe said, then she giggled, "Must be your natural gentle, nurturing nature… almost as if you're the sort of father figure that she-"

"Stop. Now. And never say that again…" Gerald revulsed at the notion.

Phoebe giggled again, but urged him on.

"Come on, handsome…" she said playfully, "She needs you now."

Gerald recoiled again. He could not believe how horribly wrong hypnotizing Helga had gone, but at this point he was willing to try just about anything to undo it before she really did start clinging to him as some surrogate father figure as Phoebe suggested. Ironically that meant embracing that role here in the moment. He looked at Helga, the girl who typically made his skin crawl, even more so now that she was dating his best friend, but didn't see her in that usual light. Now he just saw an innocent little girl who needed his help.

"Helga…?" Gerald asked gently, "Why don't you come with us? It's um… story time."

That wasn't entirely a fib; history lesson at its core was a story, and hopefully today's subject would engage the interest of a girl with the attention span of a three year old. Gerald's spin on it did the trick and Helga then obligingly nodded and tiptoed towards him.

"Okay, but I hafta go to the bathroom…" Helga said sheepishly.

"Oh, well sure. We'll wait." Phoebe said.

Helga stuck out her hand and looked at the two of them as if she expected them to hold her hand..

"Can you take me?" she asked.

Gerald's face abruptly met his palm as Phoebe just looked away awkwardly as she quietly hoped that Helga had been potty trained by age three. Knowing how invested her parents were in her life, she could only hope for the best.

Soon after Phoebe aided Helga to the bathroom, and fortunately didn't have to help her with anything beyond getting there, the trio found themselves sitting in history class. Seated at their desks, Gerald and Phoebe flanked Helga's desk where they could keep a watchful eye on her and hopefully cover for her. They had coached her just enough to hopefully fake her way through the class, but as Helga kept yawning and rubbing her eyes they worried she would just pass out right in class.

Mr. Simmons began the class with his usual trademark zeal and passion. He pulled down a world map from above the blackboard and launched into his lesson plan.

"Class, today on our continued journey into the past, we're going to journey far south of the border… south of the border may evoke feelings of tropical climates, but today we're going even further south, beyond our border but down past the equator to a frozen tundra once unknown to mankind before the first brave explorers journeyed to Antarctica." Simmons said. "I trust that each and every one of you read the chapters I assigned yesterday to prepare for our journey."

The classroom responded in silence.

"I'll take that as a yes." Simmons said, "Naturally the first willing party to journey to the coldest region on earth was led by an explorer from another very cold region. Who knows what country he came from?"

Phoebe's hand alone shot up Simmons pointed to her.

"Norway." Phoebe smiled.

"Very good, and can someone tell me what his name was?" Simmons asked.

Phoebe grinned broadly and kept her hand up in the air, ready to monopolize the lesson with her answers, all for the sake of keeping the teacher's attention off of Helga. If only the rules of the universe didn't constantly favor actively messing with Helga, Simmons might have just called on Phoebe again, but naturally his attention went straight to the drowsy looking Helga.

"Let's let someone else answer this time…" Simmons said, "Helga? Can you tell me who the first explorer was to reach the South Pole?"

Gerald and Phoebe sank in their desks as they dreaded whatever answer, if any Helga was going to give. She at least didn't respond by crying or trying to hide as they expected. Helga just stared back at Simmons with wide eyes. As out of her element she was at this point, Mr. Simmons at the very least wasn't an intimidating presence and his usual warm and welcoming demeanor appeared to comfort her enough to dare an answer.

"Um, Santa?" Helga answered hesitantly, but then she covered her mouth and turned pink in her embarrassment, "No… that's the North Pole… aw…."

As Gerald and Phoebe's faces sank, everyone else around Helga laughed in amusement, ironically not at her but with her. Helga didn't read it this way however and just assumed everyone was mocking her, and so she shrank into her chair and turned as pink as her jumper. Simmons too seemed to just see this as in line with Helga's usual brand of sarcasm, and had no idea she had been completely sincere in her innocent attempt to answer his question.

"That's very funny, Helga." He said calmly but warningly, "Come on now, I know you did the reading assignment."

Helga shook her head, "Sorry… I actually can't-"

Phoebe desperately interjected, "Helga can't answer that! She's um… observing the uh… Day of Silence?"

Mr. Simmons just blinked in slight surprise.

"I… well of course I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think that's today." he said. "All right… does anyone else know Roald Amundsen's name- ah, fudge…"

Helga just buried her head behind her textbook and tried to disappear. Fortunately, Simmons turned his attention to other students following her and didn't return his attention to her for the remainder of the class.

History class soon passed into recent history, and Phoebe and Gerald soon after escorted Helga to the library for their study hall period. Simmons had given them all a considerable load, but the two reluctant caregivers had a much more pressing assignment on their hands: finding a way to break Helga out of this trance they had put her under.

The tween couple left Helga at a table by herself in the library with a piece of paper and crayons for her to occupy herself while they strategized. They sat at a nearby table as Helga finally found something more in her element to pass the time; indulging her creativity she composed an ambitious work of art for a three year old mind. Phoebe looked on and felt some small inspiration from her friend's work.

"We'll have to try something a little more creative. We have to remind her of who she really is," she said, "Forcing her out of this state the same way we put her into it isn't going to work."

Before Gerald could respond, he found himself interrupted by an unwelcome voice.

"Gerald. Phoebe." Rhonda said as she approached the table with books in hand, "May I join you?"

"Sure, Rhonda." Gerald said skeptically.

"Thank you." Rhonda said as she took a seat, "You two are about the only people in this entire establishment with any sort of class. Just the island of sanity in a sea of madness I'm looking for."

Gerald looked at Rhonda with suspicion written all over his face. As he and Phoebe looked at Rhonda they failed to notice Helga getting up and wandering towards the door, only to come face to face with Harold.

"What're you up to?" Gerald asked Rhonda, "You were chewing us out after lunch, and now you're all smiles and flattery?"

Rhonda shook her head, "True, I did have just the most frightful attack earlier. I'm honestly still not sure what came over me… but I have to assume it had something to do with her-" Rhonda gestured over towards Helga but stopped abruptly when she noticed the empty table. "Where'd she go?"

Gerald and Phoebe gasped with the sort of fright of a pair of parents who had lost their child, but before they could act on it someone else caught their attention.

"Hey Phoebe!" the grating voice of Harold bellowed.

Phoebe then saw him running towards them with an oddly concerned look on his face.

"What's going on? Helga's acting totally crazy!" he said.

"Crazy for Helga? Or crazy for a normal person?" Rhonda asked snidely. "Because if it's the former then we should all be concerned. What's she doing now?"

"She just started crying and ran over into that corner!" Harold pointed towards a row of bookshelves, and they saw Helga crouched in a corner huddled up and trying to hide.

"What? Why?" Phoebe asked.

Harold shrugged, "Well after this morning I figured something was up… and then without her in the game we got our butts kicked by the fifth graders. So I just told her she had a big dumb stupid weird nose that looked like a big toe. She usually just hits me when I say stuff like that… it was weird."

Phoebe frowned, "Then why do you even… never mind…"

"It's like that time she turned into a dumb little baby…" Harold said, "Did Arnold hit her in the head with another baseball?"

"Arnold is out sick." Phoebe said.

"He really can't have any more sick days…" Gerald shook his head, "Everything goes straight down the tubes every time he's gone."

"You know about this, don't you?" Rhonda asked suspiciously. "You know why she's acting like this…"

"It's… possible." Phoebe said hesitantly.

"You did something to her…" Rhonda said accusingly.

"How would you even know?" Gerald said, now feeling defensive.

"I know things…" Rhonda said, "Or are you telling me that it's just sheer coincidence that after Simmons covers hypnotism this morning, suddenly Helga just happens to turn into a completely different person? You two tried to hypnotize her didn't you…"

"Uh…" Gerald tried to speak but Rhonda continued.

"And I have noticed Helga's been acting even more barbaric than usual up until today… and so you two must have thought you could just bring out her more sensitive side, didn't you?" Rhonda asked.

Phoebe and Gerald grimaced, both unable to believe that Rhonda had just figured everything out on her own. Phoebe only put her belief in things proven by hard science, and yet she now wondered if Rhonda didn't possess psychic powers. Of course, one didn't hold the title of school gossip queen without a keen talent at digging up scandal, which seemed a more likely explanation. Her degree of accuracy with school gossip usually varied but this time she had nailed it. Rhonda read their expressions and reacted with terror at being correct. Harold meanwhile tried to puzzle out the whole thing, but looked as if he was still at least four steps behind.

"Yes… we wanted to just calm her down a little and get her to be less… overly awful. And that much worked but…" Phoebe sighed, "She thinks she's three years old again…"

"Do you two realize what you've done!?" Rhonda intensely whispered.

"Why do you care?" Gerald asked.

"Gerald, There's a certain ebb and flow to the school status quo, you know." Rhonda said, "Something as major as this could throw our entire ecosystem into chaos, and next thing we know all of civilization as we know it may come to an end!"

"I think that might be reaching, just a little." Gerald said, "But yeah… I'm no fan of Helga the horrible, but this?" Gerald gestured to Helga sitting in the corner glancing around worriedly, "This is worse… way worse."

"The entire balance is already out of whack!" Rhonda said, "You know me, a paragon of class and virtue… and yet it's as if with Helga pacified her anger found a new host in me! I don't want to be like that! Just think what that would do to my image… and before you know it Harold may slip back into his old ways without Helga to keep him in line!"  
"Yeah!" Harold said, "If I start pounding you little dopes again, I can't be held responsible for my actions!"

"I know," Phoebe lamented, "We've made a terrible mistake. There has to be some way to snap her out of it."

"We tried that." Gerald said, "Didn't work. I think we're gonna have to get extra creative." Gerald said as he stroked his chin.

"Oh I know!" Harold said, "Let's just ask Arnold! He always has good ideas."

"Arnold's not here." Phoebe reminded him.

"Oh right. Oh! Then let's ask Helga! She's creative and… oh… right. You guys broke her mind. Never mind." Harold trailed off in embarrassment again.

The four kids pondered in silence what they could do to return Helga to normal. Rhonda and Harold had no idea of what to do, but they were both concerned enough to want to help however they could to return everything to normal. As Gerald privately wished Arnold was around, a thought occurred to him.

"You said Helga first adopted the 'tough guise' in preschool, right?" Gerald asked.

"Yes. I think so." Phoebe said.

"Do you remember what did it?" Gerald asked. "Why she suddenly went off on everyone?"

"Not really." Phoebe said, "We were only three years old… let's see… I do remember the first time I met her. She kicked down my building blocks and announced herself as 'the boss around here.' Before that I never really noticed her… she seemed so quiet up until then."

"And thus Helga seized power in a bloodless coup and became supreme dictator of the class." Rhonda said, "I wonder what it was that set her off…"

"I guess we'll never know…" Harold sighed sadly.

As Phoebe searched some of the earliest memories she could stored in her exceptionally organized mind, something stood out to her. She remembered the exact moment she had met Helga on their first day of preschool all those years ago. Helga hadn't made an impression on her and likely anyone else up until she abruptly began threatening everyone with physical force and asserted herself as the alpha bully of the class, even putting Harold in his place with her ferocity. As Phoebe thought about it, Helga had been quiet up until the moment when the other kids started taunting her about something.

"Whatever had set her off had to have been something very specific…" Phoebe said, "She's been taking everything today lying down… everything just seems to make her cry now."

"True." Gerald said, "It's like she doesn't even have any instinct to fight back…"

"Whatever it was that first made her snap must have been something deeply personal… hmm, so perhaps if we use enough stimuli that subtly remind her of her true self, she'll revert to normal." Phoebe said.

"Brilliant." Gerald said, "That's a lot better than what I thought up…"

"What was your idea?" Phoebe asked.

"Hit her on the head with a textbook or something." Gerald joked.

"Gerald…" Phoebe groaned, "We have to go about this delicately… for her safety."

"And everyone else's." Rhonda added darkly.

A short time later, Phoebe, Gerald Harold and Rhonda had gathered together a small group of willing classmates to assist in returning Helga to her natural state. Standing around a corner, Phoebe looked over to the corner where Helga sat, looking lost and afraid as before.

"We need to go about this carefully," Phoebe insisted, "If we don't do this just right we could break her mind and leave her a drooling vegetable for the rest of her natural life…"

"Hey, now that wouldn't be so-"

"Gerald!" Phoebe scolded.

"Kidding, kidding," Gerald threw up his hands, "Just trying to raise morale…"

"We'll have to subdue her first." Phoebe said, "Helga may not have her memory but she might still tap into some primal animalistic instinct if pushed. We're going to need some extra muscle… Harold? That's where you come in."

"Me?" Harold pointed at himself, "But, but she could hurt me… she may only be three years old again but I've got some pretty bad memories of her at age three! I'm big but I'm delicate, you know…"

"Just do it!" Phoebe shouted, channelling her own inner Helga.

Harold snapped to attention and saluted Phoebe. Marching over to Helga he grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder.

"Sorry, Helga." he said fearfully.

"Hey!" she shouted. "Put me down!"

"Please don't hurt me!" both Helga and Harold cried in unison.

"Mm mm mm… now that is just sad." Gerald sighed.

"The package is secured," Phoebe wrung her hands, "Time to commence operation make Helga normal again."  
"That's the name of this operation?" Gerald asked.

"Look, I didn't have time to come up with a clever codename." Phoebe said, "We can think of a better one after the fact. To the janitor's closet!"

* * *

_**If I ever go into the supernatural in these HA! stories, it's only vaguely implied… but I loved Kryten's idea of Helga's anger being some malevolent spirit banished from her body and off in search of a new host I had Rhonda make that implication.**_


	5. Waking the Beast Within

_**Hello dears, Gertrude "Pookie" Shortman here with a very special Thanksgiving Day greeting to you all. As we gather with our families for a big old American Turkey dinner, let's not forget the heroic sacrifices that our forefathers made in wrestling against the grip of Confederate tyranny, earning our independence from the King of Spain and ushering in the first Thanksgiving on this July 4th!**_

_**Anyhoo, let's see what Arnold's little friends do to bring back Lady Eleanor's mind... maybe if they're successful they can try to bring mine back...**_

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Chapter 5: Waking the Beast Within

Minutes later, Helga found herself tied to a wooden chair in the janitor's closet. Phoebe, Gerald, Harold and a few other kids stood before her all holding flashlights in their hands.

"I'm sorry Helga, but this is for your own good." Phoebe said, "Just stay calm. We have your best interests at heart."

"Keep telling yourself that, Phoebe…" Gerald said wryly, "These ideas of yours are starting to scare me..."

"W-what are you doing?" Helga whimpered, "Please don't hurt me… I don't have any lunch money… my mommy forgot to give me any…"

"Cue the lights," Phoebe snapped her fingers.

Eugene shut off the lights and the other kids ignited their flashlights and illuminated their faces.

"Stop it…" Helga closed her eyes, "This is scary…"

"Remember who you are…" Phoebe spoke ominously, "You are Helga G. Pataki."

"I know that…" Helga said confusedly.

"You're eleven years old and not afraid of anything or anyone." Gerald said equally as ominously.

"What?" she asked, "No I'm not… I'm only in pweschool."

"Commence chanting…" Phoebe said.

From behind Helga, Curly began steadily beating on a drum and humming lowly.

Slowly Gerald started chanting rhythmically, "Football head. Football head."

Phoebe joined in, "Move it bucko. Move it bucko."

Eugene joined in with a singsongy voice, "Geeeeeeek Baaaaiiit, Geeeeeek Baaaaiiit…"

Harold too joined the chorus, "Madame Fortress Mommy, Madame Fortress Mommy…"

And finally Rhonda began rapidly saying, "Criminey criminey criminey criminey criminey criminey criminey…"

Helga's fear had been replaced with complete and utter bafflement. In her mental three years of life she had never seen anything so strange. Their chants all blended together into a chorus and suddenly she started seeing images flashing through her head. Images of a small blonde, pigtailed girl wearing pink that looked very familiar. But it couldn't be her. This girl's face, while familiar, was shaped into a hardened scowl. And whoever she was, she was shoving other kids, shouting in anger and wasn't letting anyone tread on her. Helga felt at first afraid of this instantly terrifying girl, but then felt a strange sense of admiration for her, and she strangely found herself aspiring to be her, whoever she was. Suddenly she felt a rush of hot air blowing on the back of her head, she turn around and beheld a terrifyingly creepy looking boy grinning at her ghoulishly and breathing heavily. In a flash, hundreds of images flashed before her eyes of the other nine years of her life she had locked away. All the sounds around her went silent, and in her head she heard a small voice.

_I like your bow, cuz it's pink like your pants._

In a flash, Helga's fear and confusion evaporated and the stress of everything dropping on her mind caused her to go limp. Still tied to a chair, she fell forward and hung her head, as the fatigue from the day's events hit her.

Seeing Helga hanging her head, the other kids thought she had fainted and all abruptly ceased their chanting. Phoebe alone stepped forward slowly, both worried for and somewhat afraid of her friend.

"Helga…?" she asked cautiously.

"Is she a drooling vegetable?" Gerald asked in concern.

Then without warning, Helga's head snapped upward and the force of her glare caused Phoebe and Gerald to jump back with a start. With all the veins in her eyes bulging, her signature monobrow furrowed as it never had before, and she gnashed her teeth at her captors, growling like an enraged animal. The kids weren't looking into the eyes of a three year old girl anymore, but the eyes of a cornered tigress gnashing her teeth like a image of crouching death.

"It worked!" Phoebe cheered, but then her face sank, "Oh dear… it worked…"

Tapping into some apparent newfound superhuman strength, Helga snapped the ropes holding her in place using only her arms, causing the wooden chair to shatter into splinters in the process. Helga rose to her feet, shrieking with all the fury of some Japanese kaiju monster, and seemingly causing the lights to flicker. And while the kids all probably imagined it they could have sworn they saw fire shooting from her mouth too.

"Glad to have you back, bye!" Harold said quickly as he scrambled for the door. "Agh! Mommy! Help!"

The other kids crawled over one another, trampling Eugene in the process, and screaming in fear as Helga slowly stomped out of the closet behind them. Standing over Eugene, Helga panted through gritted teeth as the helpless boy cowered in fear at her feet. From around the corner, Gerald and Phoebe observed the unfolding scene.

"Oh no!" Phoebe gasped, "We must have sent her back to some primordial pre Homo Sapiens state! We've turned her into a monster!"

"No, I'm pretty sure she's just back to normal…" Gerald said.

"Please don't hurt me…" Eugene pleaded, "I was just a pawn in their plan… they said they were just trying to help you…"

Helga's panting slowly subsided and the fire in her eyes slowly fizzled out until she looked slightly lost at sea. After long moments of quiet, Helga glanced around the hall and stroked her chin as if pondering her own whereabouts.

"How did I get here?" she asked herself, and then she noticed the boy crouching at her feet, "Eugene, what are you doing on the floor? Oh right… you're Eugene. It's like your second home, huh?" She laughed.

Eugene looked oddly relieved, and to his surprise Helga even offered him a helping hand.

"C'mon, can't have you cluttering up the hall. I may not be hall monitor anymore but I've still got principles and crap." she said as she pulled him off the floor.

"Brash, sarcastic, acidic, and somewhat terrifying…" Gerald listed.

"But also with a hidden heart of gold…" Phoebe said, "That's our Helga."

"Very well hidden..." Gerald murmured.

Helga snapped her attention towards them, "What are you two goof wads doing?"

"Oh Helga, I'm so glad you're back!" Phoebe ran to her and threw her arms around her. Helga stared at Gerald in confusion.

"What's with her?" she asked. "Where did I go, exactly?"

"Helga, I think we owe you an explanation..." Gerald sighed.

When the three thirty bell at last brought the day's frivolities to a close, Gerald and Phoebe sat Helga down on the front steps of the school. Phoebe recounted the day's events to Helga who listened intently, wearing her best poker face throughout and only nodding occasionally. Gerald looked on and couldn't help but note that Helga was taking this news all surprisingly well.

"So you see, Helga… we just wanted to bring out your nicer side, and that's why we hypnotized you..." Phoebe sighed, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Gerald said. "We were just tired of you walking all over us so…"

"But we know that you're actually a very nice person under it all, so we just wanted to bring that out of you." Phoebe noted.

"She knows that." Gerald pointed at Phoebe, "I'm still not convinced."

"You mean you guys tried to turn me into a neutered wimp?" Helga asked, "But instead you turned me into a freaking rugrat?"

"Well, we thought we would be helping you too," Phoebe insisted, "We didn't think it would all go so horribly wrong… but even more so we realized how much we appreciate every aspect of your personality, even your more… surly side. It all adds up to the complete and holistic person that you are... and furthermore how much we depend on that."

"Seriously," Helga said, "You hypnotized me?"

"Yes…" Phoebe sighed. "And it was selfish of us."

Helga gritted her teeth and furrowed her brow as she spoke, "Selfish, underhanded, dangerous, sick, unscrupulous, and downright evil of you!" Helga abruptly smiled, "You're really learning, Feebs."

Gerald and Phoebe's expressions suggested they had just looked death in the face and come out unscathed. They both looked at one another then back at Helga.

"Then you're not mad?" Phoebe asked.

"Please, I'm always mad," Helga waved her hand dismissively, "But... I guess that kind of wears on people after a while. Sorry Phoebe. Sorry Gerald."

"Yeah, us too." Gerald said as he placed a hand on Helga's shoulder. Phoebe's eyes widened as she expected Helga to throw him off with her usual contention 'who said you could touch me' but to her surprise Helga looked almost moved by the concerned look on Gerald's face.

"You sure you're okay, Helga?" he asked.

Helga searched Gerald's eyes and somehow actually felt comforted by his worrying about her wellbeing. Helga and Gerald had more or less been forced to be acquaintances by extension of Phoebe and Arnold, and didn't exactly think of one another as friends. Helga rarely trusted anyone, and despite knowing what Gerald had taken part in earlier at her expense, something about his presence now comforted her; his small act of showing he cared about her dispelled any potential hard feelings.

"Well, yeah." Helga said, "I guess even if you two did mess me up in the head for a while at least I still had you to look out for me... and got me in touch with my 'inner child.'"

Phoebe smiled as she tried to hold back the glee she felt for her two favorite people in the world, normally at odds now forming some small bond of trust. And they had done so without Arnold's urging too, which gave her hope that the two of them could become true friends at some point.

"You should have seen him..." Phoebe giggled, "Looking out for you as if you were his little sister..."

Helga smirked at Gerald who now just looked away in slight embarrassment.

"I feel as if there's something to be learned from this…" Phoebe mused.

"There sure is," Helga said, "Too bad Arnold's not around to explain what it is. But I really don't care about that right now. C'mon, you two can buy me a few rounds of milkshakes at Slausen's, and then come back to the emporium and sort beepers for me, and we can call it even after that. And I guess I should go bring Football Head some hot soup or something. It's been a day or two since we talked. He probably misses me."

Helga marched off and beckoned for them to follow. Phoebe and Gerald gave each other a look.

"Well, we've certainly learned our lesson…" Gerald said.

"And what's that?" Phoebe asked.

"Darn it, I was hoping you'd know what it was…" Gerald shrugged.

The End

* * *

_**I invite everyone to be as brutally honest as you want in the comment section because… well, despite some moments I found funny, I'm not so pleased with how this one turned out… I just feel like I executed it kinda sloppily. But hey, I'm often just way too hard on myself, so if you enjoyed it that's cool too. Regardless, I finished it. It's done. I hope you all enjoyed it more than I did. :)**_


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